The Challenges in Marriage

The Challenges in Marriage

There are many challenges that we will face during our marriage. In the beginning of my marriage my husband and I struggled with finding a balance with both my parents and his. We have dealt with the growing pains of having children, financial struggles caused by unemployment and growing older and becoming “empty nesters”.

This week we have been given great information on the challenges that will cross our paths as we go through the journey of marriage. There are three specific challenges to speak of this week. 1) The challenge of finances; 2) The baggage you bring into your marriage and 3) The challenge of your extended families on your “new” family. These aren’t in any specific order and may challenge you early in your marriage or later in life.

First, the challenge of finances. There are many stages that you go through in life, single life where it is just you and you choose where and when to spend your money and learn to deal with credit and the good and bad of it; married with or without children where you learn to plan for money to be spent on things that aren’t necessarily what you want to spend money on; Married life with or without children where a couple learns to be a couple. In chapter 11 of the book Till Debt Do Us Part by Bernard Poduska, he shares great counsel, “The important issue is not that you and your partner got married but whether the two of you still want to be married.” (Poduska, 2000) He goes on to state, 1’Failure to continue to court one another may tip the scales toward divorce, Divorce usually represents not just an emotional setback for both partners but a financial setback as well.” (Poduska, 2000) The other steps are that of married or single with children 10 to 19 where you deal with the expenses of teens and preparing for their departure into life. Stage four is that of launching your children into society. This is where you child will leave the home and live on their own. It is important to note that they can return after an unsuccessful attempt. The final stage is that of married or single, with launched children. This part is where a couple can begin to spend their money on things they have wanted to do but were spending money on their children. This is also a place where one must be careful because when you retire your budget won’t be expanding and becomes very fixed even as medical expenses from getting older set in.

The Second challenge we face is that of dealing with establishing yourselves as a couple. The challenge here is finding a balance with your parents and in-laws. We learn in the scriptures that a man should leave his family, most don’t leave and go far away and the closeness of a family can cause a sort of tug of war. In our reading, Chapter 37, Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families, there is a quote from President Kimball where we are reminded, “First, married children should confide in and counsel with their spouse. Second, if possible, they should establish their own household, separate from their parents. Finally, any counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together. (James M Harper, 2005). Other direction given is accept your spouse for who they are, help your spouse to get to know your family, forgive and remember, “Extended family relationships can do much to support and strengthen family members.”

The last challenge is the baggage we bring into our marriage. We are reminded in the reading What We Bring With us by Bernard Poduska, “We do not enter marriage empty handed.” (Poduska, What We Bring With Us, 2000). Mr Poduska reminds us that we bring our self-esteem, our attitudes, expectations and our willingness. It is important to establish our family rules and to know what is expected of us. It is important to discuss these rules, try to blend what you may have followed with what your spouse may have experienced with his family and create your own rules.

There are many challenges you will face as you go through your journey with your spouse. It is important to hold onto one another, listen to each other to mold your family into what the two of you want it to be. This may or may not be a blended version of where you have been. Ultimately, it will be what the two of you want and need. An eternal marriage lasts for eternity. This is a long time to work together to create what your family will be.

J.

Works Cited

James M Harper, S. F. (2005). Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families. In L. D. Craig H Hart, Helping and Healing Our Families (p. chapter 37). Rexburg: Brigham Young University.

Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt Do Us Part. Salt Lake: Shadow Mountain.

Poduska, B. (2000). What We Bring With Us. Salt Lake City: Shadow Mountain.

Unity in Relationships

There was so much that I studied this week that I want to share. The question is how does this all tie together, after careful thought the central theme is how to unite your family, specifically the union between a husband and wife. There are several ways.

First, we must be united. A united front with our children, a union as husband and wife, as Elder Henry B Eyring shared in his article, That We May Be One, “A man and his wife learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around them.” (Eyring, 1998) Elder Eyring shares several ways that we can help to strengthen our unity. One such was to have the Spirit. Specifically, he shares that “Where people have the Spirit with them, we may expect harmony.” (Eyring, 1998) He also shares with us two very important warnings. “First, the Holy Ghost remains with us only if we stay clean and free from the love of the things of the world…The other warning is to beware of pride.” (Eyring, 1998) Both of these things can be achieved by following the guidance we are given through our leaders and staying close to our Father in Heaven.

Another way that we can strive to stay connected is making sure we have a proper balance within our family. In the article, Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families by Richard B Miller, he shares with us the steps to do this. First, is parents need to be the leaders of the family. What he means by this is “there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children...parents should not be harsh, domineering or dictatorial.” (Miller, 2008) Second, “Parents must be united in their leadership.” (Miller, 2008) parents need not undermine one another nor should they discuss issues with their children. Third, “The parents-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.” (Miller, 2008) This means as children become adults they “no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do.” (Miller, 2008) And fourth, “the marital relationship should be a partnership. (Miller, 2008) This means that their relationship should be one of partners. They should be equals with different responsibilities but working as a team.

The last bit of information that helps a family to be united is to have family councils. The idea of holding councils within our church began in June of 1829. Councils are put together and held through many parts of church from the First Presidency to the Bishop holding ward council to family council. These help for each person to have a say in the activities to take place as well as being able to have a vote in actions going on. The proceedings of a council don’t have a specific outline but in my family are usually something like opening with a prayer for guidance; proceeding with a discussion of things coming up; discussing any issues such as keeping the house clean and who is responsible for what; what kinds of activities do family members have that need to be discussed whether it is about who needs rides or if there are things assigned to them that they need help gathering to bring. It is important that each person have a chance to bring up what is important to them and make sure that they have a solution they are comfortable with regarding any problems. We also close with a prayer showing gratitude and appreciation for one another and our efforts to work together.

We have been given great advice for strengthening and unifying our family and our relationships. This guidance given would work for a family, a couple or even a group of people at work. The directions are there, we simply need to follow that which is placed before us for this to work for us.

J

References

Eyring, E. H. (1998, May). That We May Be One. Ensign, p. 66.

Miller, R. B. (2008). Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families. Provo: Brigham Young University.

Intimacy

I know that this topic can be a sensitive issue. This topic can also make people very uncomfortable. I think what is most important here is to have a conversation regarding this topic and to remember that open communication helps to have a clearer understanding of your partners feelings, needs and wants. With this having been said, my intention is to discuss What intimacy should be; things to avoid that jeopardize the intimacy between you and your partner and what helps to improve the intimacy you share with your partner.

What should intimacy be…

We learn in the article, They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage by Brent A Barlow, “Sexuality is a beautiful power given to mankind from God…for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness.” (Barlow, 1986) He goes on to share that “neither the husband nor the wife alone control the physical relationship, that both are diligent in their commitment of each other, and that both have a nurturing attitude toward the other. “ (Barlow, 1986)

One of the things that we have been warned of is emotional infidelity. We have all kinds of ways to interact somewhat secretly through our electronics whether it’s email, twitter, Facebook or other applications. Some of the signs of emotional infidelity are making excuses to spend time with someone other than your significant other, flirting with a coworker, sabotaging your own relationship or becoming involved with watching pornography. We are given specific questions to ask ourselves in the article, Fidelity in Marriage by Kenneth W Matheson. These questions to ask yourself are:

                Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?

                Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?

Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?

Do you email and text your friend when you’re not together?

Have you told your spouse about these messages?

Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?

Do you compare your spouse to your friend?

Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend? (Matheson, 2009)

If you find your answers to be in the affirmative, you need to sit down with your spouse and talk about this.

So, how do you improve this situation? President Howard W Hunter has said, “Tenderness and respect – never selfishness – must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife.” (Hunter, 1994)

A simple quote from Dr Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage states the solution, “The grass is greener on the side of the fence you water.” (H Wallace Goddard, 2007)  

Works Cited

Barlow, B. A. (1986, September). They Twain Shall Be One: Thought on Intimacy in MArriage. Ensign.

H Wallace Goddard, P. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Mariage. Fairfax: Meridian.

Hunter, H. W. (1994, November). Retrieved from LDS.ORG: https://www.lds.org/ensign/1994/11/contents?lang=eng

Matheson, K. W. (2009, September). Fidelity In Marriage. Ensign.

Overcoming Our Gridlock

As I begin this post, my thoughts continue to resort back to the saying, love one another. I have struggled this week with life and the trials placed in my path recently, effects of a chronic illness, a child in the midst of divorce from an abusive relationship, aging parents and the death of a family pet. In the midst of all of this I have not always spoken kindly, I have been short tempered and overall felt miserable. As I read through my studies this week I found myself being reminded to speak softly, love unconditionally and above all, we need to be nice to one another.

            As I opened Dr Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage and read the chapter heading I knew this was exactly what I needed to hear, be more charitable, think outside of yourself. Within the first couple of chapters I read in regards to charity, “It is not holding our tongues while judging and resenting others. Rather it is a sacred and heavenly gift: But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever:” (Goddard, 2007) We need to remember that we should not try to pick and choose when we want to be kind and charitable, we need to always be kind and charitable. I am having a rough week, that does not give me the right to take out my frustrations and emotions on others, especially those closest to me, my spouse.

            We are also reminded that “negative actions are a choice... we can also choose to see in a heavenly and loving way.” (Goddard, 2007).  Life is full of trials, both good and bad, and how we choose to see those trials will make all of the difference. This is something I often tell my children, it is also something I should try to remember for myself more often. I found a quote in my reading this week that spoke volumes to me, it is “Criticism does not lead to repentance and growth; it leads to anger, defensiveness, and distance. (Goddard, 2007)

            I know that when life is difficult, it is easy to seek out ways to turn the blame from us to others, it is human nature. We need to do all we can to avoid this.  In a rewarding marriage the husband and wife don’t work to place blame on others, nor do they avoid the conflict of a struggle. In the book by John M Gottman, PhD entitled, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, we are reminded, the more you can agree about the fundamentals in life, the richer, more profound, and in a sense, easier your marriage is likely to be.” (John M Gottman, 1999) Dr Gottman goes on to state, “A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions.” (John M Gottman, 1999)

            Essentially, what I am trying to convey here is that if we are kind, honest and show Christlike charity in our lives to those around us it can have a great effect. Life is not easy, whether you are going through it with a companion or alone, everyone deserves to have kindness and love in their lives.

J.

Works Cited

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawint Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax: Meridian.

John M Gottman, P. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony.

Are you gridlocked??

Are We Gridlocked?

Many of us know what gridlock is. It is the experience of being stuck with no way out, this usually is a circumstance related to traffic. But, this can also be the circumstance when dealing with a problem in our relationships. In the book written by John M Gottman, PhD entitled, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he discusses problems that are either solvable or gridlocked. I found this to be an interesting topic, this problem could happen at work when you and a coworker do not agree on how to solve a problem or even if the circumstance is a problem. I work in a preschool for children who appear high on the autism spectrum and often we discuss behaviors that pop us that are either related to the child’s medical diagnosis or is it just a phase. This can be a similar circumstance in a marriage, is the problem at hand something that needs to be addressed such as are you not doing your share of housework because you are working on a big project that is wearing you down or do you not like to do housework so you are avoiding helping. There are signs to a problem being gridlock. They are things like you keep talking about it but are not making headway, you become unwilling to change your stance on a solution; your discussions about this problem are very serious and have no humor to them; your position is becoming more polarized; and eventually you disengage from each other emotionally. (PhD, 1999).

The signs of knowing that your circumstance is something that can be solved would be “your focus is only on a particular dilemma or situation. There is no underlying conflict that’s fueling your dispute. As we see that list for problems being solvable is far shorter than that of the gridlocked or unsolvable problems. I also want to note that most problems with a little extra motivation and willingness to seek less clear solutions are solvable. This means that for just about any issue there is a solution.

What if you feel there is no workable solution to your issue? In the book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage by H Wallace Goddard, PhD, he shared a statement that I think must be clearly heard. “Please note that no partner should have to tolerate physical violence.” (H Wallace Goddard, 2007) The advisement for this situation is counseling. We are reminded through Dr Goddard’s writing that “We can follow Christ’s example and act to serve and redeem our partners, or we can crab and complain that we have not gotten what we deserve.”

I know that marriage is not easy, it is an experience we wake to every morning and take to bed with us every night. We are married to the person who knows us the best. They have seen us at our worst and at our best. Striving to avoid the gridlock and take the beautiful winding country road is a great way to spend time with that person so close to you and a great way to keep them close to you.

J

Works Cited

H Wallace Goddard, P. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax: Meridian.

PhD, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New york: Harmony.

Pride Vs Humility

This week’s studies were focused on the topic of pride and how being prideful will affect your relationships in life. I know that in my married life there have been circumstances where being prideful and not wanting to be the person in the wrong have come up. We learned in our reading this week about how we can help ourselves to be less prideful in our relationships. I think something that stood out to me was the fact that the opposite of prideful would be humility.

In today’s society we see things on television where the man treats his wife as a person of less importance or not being able to be a part of decision making because she is not capable of doing this. I know in my marriage we have worked hard to not have this type of relationship. We strive to work as a partnership or a team. In the beginning of my marriage my husband and I occasionally clashed over who was “right”. I think that sometimes we may have known we were wrong but didn’t want to have to admit it.

In our reading this week there several suggestions to help you overcome the struggle of pride. In the book by Jon M Gottman entitled The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, we learned several things regarding how to strive to overcome pride. Some of the suggestions were to share the power of decision making with your partner. We can do this by not always assuming the other person’s opinion. We can be attentive of each other by making sure we are paying attention to our spouse as they talk to us and not be distracted by the television or our computers; We need to remember the efforts we have put forth in making this relationship and remember that we put effort into dating and we should continue to put that same effort forward to ensure our relationship survives and grows.

In Dr Gottman’s book he reminds us of the importance of yielding to win. He shares the story that many homes have gone through of the toilet seat. He shared, “For many women, a raised toilet seat is symbolic of the male’s sense of entitlement. So, a man can score major points with his wife just by putting the seat down. The wise husband smiles at how smart he is as he drops the lid.” (John M Gottman, 1999)

As I read this week in Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage by H Wallace Goddard, I was able to see a more spiritual side of the issues of pride in a marriage. It outlines the fact that the opposite of pride is humility. Therefore, if we work to serve our partner and try to serve them often this would be a simple solution. The problem is that often life can get in the way.

We are reminded by Dr Goddard in his book that “If a relationship does not bring pleasure, insight, satisfaction and fulfillment to the self, this it is regarded as wrong.” He also stated, “To the modern mind, it doesn’t make logical “sense” that if we sacrifice our own wants and needs, in favor of our spouse’s, that we will find true love and happiness.” (H Wallace Goddard, 2007) Both of these statements stand out to me as showing the right ways of being with your spouse.

Simply we need to remember to have humility as well as faith in our Father in Heaven that letting go of pride and working to serve our partner will have an incredible impact on our relationship. We must remember that “Appreciating is more powerful than correcting.” (H Wallace Goddard, 2007)

J.

Works Cited

H Wallace Goddard, P. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax: Meridian.

John M Gottman, P. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony.

Emotional Connecting with

Finding that emotional connection is not always an easy one. As a long-married person, for me it is something that I feel I continually tweak to keep connected. As I read through our readings this week there are many suggestions as to how to keep that connection. For me, it is making sure that my central focus is not me. We are told by Dr Gottman that, “One virtue of turning toward each other is that it is so easy to accomplish. It only takes a small gesture to lead to another and another.” (PhD, 1999) It is not difficult to share a kind word or a simple act that will be appreciated. Once we have taken that first step, it is like learning to walk, you take a couple of shaky steps and then you are off and running.

As we work to stay emotionally connected with our loved one we need to remember that we need to put them first. We need to not allow our “needs, wants and preferences” to get in the way. (H Wallance Goddard, 2007). We are able to be better connected with our spouse if they are our focus. President Hinckley reminded us, “I find selfishness to be the root of most of (the problems that lead to broken homes).” It is not always easy to place our spouse first in our thoughts and deeds as we deal with the struggles of everyday life with kids, work, school and family.

We are also reminded to not get caught up in our electronics. I know that my family can easily get distracted with social media. We have held up prayer for a meal, family prayer and even blessings for the ill while someone was finishing a game or messaging someone. Social media can be a great thing, it is how we stay connected to our out of state family but we can’t let it take the place of conversations and interactions that are in the room we are in. We need to show our loved one that they are more important than a quick game on our phone or the message that just popped up. Besides if it was really important most people would call you.

So, what I learned this week is I should not be the most important person to me in my relationship. One of my favorite quotes from my reading this week comes from the Goddard book, and it states, “if we replace judgement and condemnation of each other with compassion and love, we not only find more peace, serenity and tranquility but also become one smidgen more like God.”

J.

References

H Wallance Goddard, P. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax: Meridian Publishing.

PhD, J. M. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony books.