What Affects the Love In Your Marriage

The topic we are looking at this week speaks of the negative effects certain behaviors can have on a marriage. As I did my research for this week’s post I found myself cringing from time to time as I recalled my behaviors that were less than desirable. I think it is safe that any relationship has its ups and downs. But what about those times when we don’t accidentally do something but we intentionally use unkind words or roll our eyes. It is easy to do and at times done to avoid hurtful words. I want to share the right things to do in a marriage and not dwell on the wrong things we do.

In The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, we learn that A happy marriage is often based on friendship. It is often said that the best relationships start as friendships. We need to focus on putting our partners needs and desires first. Is this really that hard to do, for some yes. We need to be supporting each other’s hopes and dreams. I know my husband wants to run a marathon one day, so he trains every weekday morning and then takes a long run on Saturday. I would prefer a mid-morning stroll through the farmer’s market and lunch. Running is not my thing, I would never think of getting up an hour early to run from nothing or to nothing, just run. But, this is a big deal to my spouse so we go to the Farmer’s Market in the early afternoon and he is kind enough to not wake me in the predawn hours when he leaves to run.

In a marriage it is important to not only focus on the good to be done but also to remember what not to welcome into your marriage. You want to avoid the four horsemen. They are first criticism, second contempt, third defensiveness and forth stonewalling. If we can avoid bringing these into our relationship we will have a much stronger structure to carry us through our trials that we face in life.   

A marriage needs a solid structure to survive. In the book it is mentioned it mentions that the solid structure is “intricately connected to trust and commitment which forms the house’s protective, weightbearing walls”. (Gottman, 1999). A marriage also needs a secret weapon. For some it is a silly look when things get too heated or maybe it is a code word that lets the other know it is time to stop before things go to far and something is said that will be hurtful. What is important to remember is that most arguments may not have a resolution. Therefore, there is not a winner, only a partner.

           

Works Cited

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books.