Emotional Connecting with

Finding that emotional connection is not always an easy one. As a long-married person, for me it is something that I feel I continually tweak to keep connected. As I read through our readings this week there are many suggestions as to how to keep that connection. For me, it is making sure that my central focus is not me. We are told by Dr Gottman that, “One virtue of turning toward each other is that it is so easy to accomplish. It only takes a small gesture to lead to another and another.” (PhD, 1999) It is not difficult to share a kind word or a simple act that will be appreciated. Once we have taken that first step, it is like learning to walk, you take a couple of shaky steps and then you are off and running.

As we work to stay emotionally connected with our loved one we need to remember that we need to put them first. We need to not allow our “needs, wants and preferences” to get in the way. (H Wallance Goddard, 2007). We are able to be better connected with our spouse if they are our focus. President Hinckley reminded us, “I find selfishness to be the root of most of (the problems that lead to broken homes).” It is not always easy to place our spouse first in our thoughts and deeds as we deal with the struggles of everyday life with kids, work, school and family.

We are also reminded to not get caught up in our electronics. I know that my family can easily get distracted with social media. We have held up prayer for a meal, family prayer and even blessings for the ill while someone was finishing a game or messaging someone. Social media can be a great thing, it is how we stay connected to our out of state family but we can’t let it take the place of conversations and interactions that are in the room we are in. We need to show our loved one that they are more important than a quick game on our phone or the message that just popped up. Besides if it was really important most people would call you.

So, what I learned this week is I should not be the most important person to me in my relationship. One of my favorite quotes from my reading this week comes from the Goddard book, and it states, “if we replace judgement and condemnation of each other with compassion and love, we not only find more peace, serenity and tranquility but also become one smidgen more like God.”

J.

References

H Wallance Goddard, P. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax: Meridian Publishing.

PhD, J. M. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony books.

Honoring Your Partner

In the reading I have done this week in preparing for this post, I have found several words that have stood out to me. Words such as obedience, sacrifice, character, and admiration. My thought was that each of these words require the action of the other to become a great action that we then use to honor our partner. Each of these words when practiced allow us to be a better person.

As I was preparing this week I thought often of my husband because this week is Valentine’s Day and I wanted to do something special for him but at the same time we are busy with school, work, a child in crisis and life in general. As we talked about this we decided that instead of going out and buying gifts for each other we would work on spending a few hours each weekend together. We decided that what is most important is our actions toward each other. We can sacrifice our own time to do something the other wants to do. 

We can be of good character. In Goddard’s book it speaks of having good character and this is determined through our thoughts, feelings and actions. If we are working to serve someone they should be in our forethoughts, we should strive to have positive and loving feelings toward them and our actions should be signs of our love through the service we can do. We can serve our partner through obvious things, like help around the house or making dinner when they are deep in homework.

There are other ways to serve our partner like knowing what their likes and dislikes are. We want to make sure that we know our partner well. Not just what they prefer for dinner but also things like what stresses them out. In the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman gives several lengthy lists of questions that allow you to get to know your partner through topics like fondness and admiration or your history. There are also some options for open ended questions that allow for a conversation. I am thinking of using some of these questions each evening after dinner for a short conversation to see where we are now as opposed to where we were 5 and 10 years ago. I think having open communication with your spouse not only keeps you connected but also allows others around you to see you modeling this and helps others to see positive interactions between husband and wife. There are many stressors that happen during a marriage such as the birth of a child or the death of a parent. Each of these bring their own kinds of stress to a relationship and being able to communicate with your spouse will help each of you to be able to lighten the load of your spouse and this ultimately has a very positive effect on your relationship. Several years ago, my husband and I experienced a year of unemployment while living across the country from any family. We made a decision that we would sit and talk about what we were most concerned with every few days. This allowed us to share the stress and help find solutions to difficult issues. We relied heavily on prayer and faith at this time and know that we were not alone and had the support of each other as well as our heavenly father. This made the circumstance bearable and strengthened our marriage at a time when others going through the same issue did not fare so well.

Works Cited

John M Gottman, P. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony.

PhD, H. W. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax: Deseret Book.

What Affects the Love In Your Marriage

The topic we are looking at this week speaks of the negative effects certain behaviors can have on a marriage. As I did my research for this week’s post I found myself cringing from time to time as I recalled my behaviors that were less than desirable. I think it is safe that any relationship has its ups and downs. But what about those times when we don’t accidentally do something but we intentionally use unkind words or roll our eyes. It is easy to do and at times done to avoid hurtful words. I want to share the right things to do in a marriage and not dwell on the wrong things we do.

In The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, we learn that A happy marriage is often based on friendship. It is often said that the best relationships start as friendships. We need to focus on putting our partners needs and desires first. Is this really that hard to do, for some yes. We need to be supporting each other’s hopes and dreams. I know my husband wants to run a marathon one day, so he trains every weekday morning and then takes a long run on Saturday. I would prefer a mid-morning stroll through the farmer’s market and lunch. Running is not my thing, I would never think of getting up an hour early to run from nothing or to nothing, just run. But, this is a big deal to my spouse so we go to the Farmer’s Market in the early afternoon and he is kind enough to not wake me in the predawn hours when he leaves to run.

In a marriage it is important to not only focus on the good to be done but also to remember what not to welcome into your marriage. You want to avoid the four horsemen. They are first criticism, second contempt, third defensiveness and forth stonewalling. If we can avoid bringing these into our relationship we will have a much stronger structure to carry us through our trials that we face in life.   

A marriage needs a solid structure to survive. In the book it is mentioned it mentions that the solid structure is “intricately connected to trust and commitment which forms the house’s protective, weightbearing walls”. (Gottman, 1999). A marriage also needs a secret weapon. For some it is a silly look when things get too heated or maybe it is a code word that lets the other know it is time to stop before things go to far and something is said that will be hurtful. What is important to remember is that most arguments may not have a resolution. Therefore, there is not a winner, only a partner.

           

Works Cited

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books.

Marriage With An Eternal Perspective

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and having been sealed to my partner in the Los Angeles Temple I look at marriage as a forever commitment. I also have many friends and family that have a different view and because of this I have often had to defend my perspective.

I must say that marriage is not easy nor is it something that can be taken for granted. It is a union that deserves respect, it is something that takes great effort. In the article, Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan, Elder David A Bednar shares how marriage is a part of heavenly fathers eternal plan. We are reminded that the “male and female spirits complete and perfect each other”, he also states that, “both a man and a woman are needed to bring children into mortality and to provide the best setting for the rearing and nurturing of children”. I think one of the most important things in this talk given is the statement, “each of us should be especially vigilant in seeking personal inspiration as to how we can protect and safeguard our own marriages”.

We must remember that our Heavenly Father should be a center point in our marital relationships. We can think of a marriage as a triangle, the bottom two points are the husband and wife and they both are focused forward our heavenly father is the upper point of that triangle. It allows us to have a reminder of the importance of our father in heaven in our marriage. He will help us to find that ultimate happiness in our marriage by helping us to keep and honor the covenants we have made.

Bruce C Hafen has taught that our marriage can be based on a contract or an agreement between two people or it can be viewed as a covenant, a promise between two people and the Lord. A contract requires a 50/50 effort with each person giving 50%, a covenant marriage is something that requires each person to give 100%. That is quite a difference. If you are giving your all you know you are more likely to succeed. This is especially true when we look at the fact that a grade in a class of 50% is not passing. If you only give 50% to your relationship it probably won’t survive.

Elder Hafen told a story that is one I have repeated often. It is about the three kinds of wolves that test a marriage. The first wolf is natural adversity. This would be something like the death of a loved one or financial struggles. The second wolf is your own imperfections. This would be things like negative comments or indifference of one another. The third wolf is that of excessive individualism. This is the lack of respect many have for the vows of marriage. We must not focus inward but remember to keep our spouse’s needs in our forethought. Is it more important for you to do something alone or should you include your spouse, possibly turning your activity into a date night?

Marriage is often affected by things like “distrust and suspicion”. Society today pushes the importance of space and taking care of oneself first. Marriage isn’t easy and the work is harder than just about anything else you will do but I am 28 years into my marriage with my eternal companion and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

References

Bednar, E. D. (2006, June). Marriage is essential to his eternal plan. Esign.

Hafen, E. B. (1996, November). Covenant Marriage. Ensign, p. 26.